Here is my, not so brief, testimony about provision. I
tried to limit myself to this topic but as it is linked to but not the
story of my return to relationship with Jesus, it was hard not to wander!
Sharing about God's courtship of me and His demonstration that He is meant to
be my provider...
For at least 5 years I had a real poverty mentality, no
matter what I was making, it seemed that "i never had enough
money". I always felt as though I was struggling. As a result turned
inward almost becoming a recluse because I felt I simply could not afford to go
out and that in many ways, having no funds meant I had nothing to offer.
I had no faith in regards to provision- I almost had no faith what-so-ever in
God, in Humanity, in myself...
After hearing me express my weariness over finances, a
friend admonished me for speaking poverty over my own life and I took it to
heart. I made a promise to myself and ultimately to God (though he and I
weren't actively involved at the time) to cut any negative speech about how
poor I was out of the dialogue of my life. Soon, I realized that an
interesting phenomena had been occurring in my life; while I was indeed
struggling to get by with no extra at all, I had been finding change- quarters,
dimes, nickles, pennies- everywhere. Every single day for over two years,
I found money- mostly just change but none-the-less every single day- I found
money. I began to understand that the world was a very abundant place,
regardless of distribution, and that though the 47 cents I'd found on a given
day wasn't a million dollars, each cent was a sign. Like bread crumbs left
along a trail so that lost children might find their way home, coins were
being laid out for me. God was gently coaxing back home.
Often, my finds would come after doing something that I knew
was probably for the best but didn't want to do regardless- picking up litter
from the sidewalk, running after someone who'd dropped their hat, making the trip
to the gym, speaking a truth that was difficult- all kinds of "good deeds" that
we all can feel too scared or in too big a hurry to engage in. I began to see
this occurrence as supernatural. The Spirit was literally rewarding me for
following these impulses by drawing me to unexpected places where i would find
change. (Do Not For One Second Think That The Metaphor Of "Finding
Change" Was Lost On Me.) I was being rewarded for stepping out of my very
compressed comfort zone with the affirmation of abundance. I knew it was
God because it was too consistent- too persistent to be coincidence.
These experiences began to foster change in me- when you see something that is so
God even if it only has the heft of a penny, it is difficult to remain the
same.
I began to listen to other "echo's" and
eventually, slowly, as the level of the coins in my change jar grew towards the
lid, changes started to occur in me. For someone as lost as I had been,
these changes were significant. They were the kinds of things that
ultimately brought me not only back home to Bend but back home to God.
Incidentally, when I cashed in all of that change to help facilitate my move
back to Oregon, I had (mostly found) over 400 dollars in coins.
It's funny how we can see what God has done and even still
slip away from it. Before long, I slid from the path that was so clearly
marked and began to rely on my own independence- financial and otherwise.
I took a job in an industry that I knew I had been called out of rather than follow
God's plan for me of returning to school right away. Though God had
provided a home for me with my parents out of the desire to heal our
relationship, I soon moved out. When I moved in to my new place, I knew it was
the antithesis to what God was asking of me but I still chose to go down that
familiar way. For someone so insecure, I was quite proud. Not 6
months later, for the first time ever in my entire life, I got fired from my
job and soon had to move out of the house that I had moved into out of
defiance. Eventually, (that's a whole other testimony) I ended up right back
where I had started- living with my parents.
I took the loss of that job as a rebuke and despite many
efforts, I remained unemployed for a year. I even felt the Lord telling me that
He would not give me a job until he felt I was ready to do so with reliance
upon Him to provide it. Though it was a difficult and despite how
irresponsible it felt not to be working- I quit looking and quit trying.
I had heard the Lord tell me to rest, just rest and let him provide for me so I
did. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't a seem less transition and my mind
definitely struggled with it but I can honestly say that there wasn't a single
time that the lord didn't come through: a random cleaning job just before the
phone bill was due, a contact for a scholarship which came through just as
concern over tuition was building and truly countless other ways. This
really brought me to my knees.
Then, just when I thought my faith was at an all time high,
God convicted me to tithe. (From everyone who has been given much,
much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much
more will be asked...) Now this seemed really ridiculous. "Tithe
what?," I asked. "Tithe your income." He replied.
"What income?" For me, it meant tithing from student loans, tax
returns, Christmas money, food stamps and what little I earned from the few
side jobs I was given. It seemed so reckless an act that my rebellious spirit
actually took to it with great joy! (Only God could turn that rebellious
part of me to His purposes!) So, ok God, in the truly most financially bereft
year of my entire life I began to tithe- to food banks, charities, the church,
homeless people. Wherever I felt the spirit move me, I gave. Every single
cent I gave, He gave back to me in mysterious and
"it-could-only-be-God" ways.... Literally every cent. I realized that
I don't own the money that I have, it's God's money that I have on loan- not
only to provide for myself but also to provide for others as He so desires. He
tested my willingness to rely upon Him and in so doing, proved Himself to
undoubtedly by THE provider. That was one echo that reverberated in my life for
years and I finally hear it.
Looking back at losing my job I am certain it was God
intervening and words can not express my gratitude. Now, after a full
year with out a steady paycheck the job that I had wanted for two years opened
up to me and I couldn't be happier about it. I know that I am where God wants
me to be and only hope that this time, I stay on the path of His choosing.
This is today's example of how this 'change' thing works in my life:
I have been struggling with my weight for years but know that the Lord wants to
bring healing to me physically... It's sort of the next place of
redemption for me and has a lot to do with past abuse and relationships.
All that aside, today I finally got my gym membership. I rode my bike which has
been in need of repair so, as I was on the way to the Gym I made a last minute
decision to take a longer route to the bike shop to see what a tune up would
cost. At the next stop light I found a penny in the bike lane and picked
it up. When I got to the bike shop- Hutch's on '97, the fella in the
repair shop had me bring my bike in and quickly fixed everything that was wrong
with it free of charge- of his own volition. How great is THAT! I went ahead to
the gym but only had time for a 30 minute work out. I was ok with this
even though I know that for what I want to accomplish, a minimum of an hour a
day is closer to ideal. Later, in the evening a friend invited me to meet
her for a steam if I could make it. I hemmed and hawed about it the even
prayed about it and when I got the answer, I tried to negotiate my way out of
it. Ultimately, I went figuring it was not only my chance to get that other
half hour of cardio in but also an act of obedience. Get this, my friend
never showed BUT, after my work out as I was taking off my shoes to change
and head for a soak, a penny literally fell out of my shoe. Now, I'll
concede that the penny could have fallen out of my own pocket into my shoe
before I put it on or something but even still, God is talking to me with those
coins and they are, without a doubt, a part of His and my mutual
vocabulary. What a funny, cool, amazing, caring, giving God.
Thanks ,
Cari